One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
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They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”