Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
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WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Anime is real
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
saving face 👀