skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
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FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.