Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”