7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
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[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.