It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
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Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Fights fire with marshmallows