Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
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“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”