If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
You Might Also Like
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.