The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
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I didn’t come here to be called names
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Saturday
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
mom had nothing to worry about
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves