Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
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The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Childbirth is so beautiful
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu