*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
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Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once