Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
You Might Also Like
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.