*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
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Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Just a reminder, folks:
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.