my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
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Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION