The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
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Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.