My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
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Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”