Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
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Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.