“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
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Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
oh good, now I can stop drinking