why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
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Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Stop sending me this shit.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.