Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
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me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”