It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
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I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
let’s discuss
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman