That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
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Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening