Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
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Bootstraps
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
this article brought to you by lions
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?