What about a To-Don’t List?
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My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
❤️❤️❤️
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.