Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
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Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Oh boy, $150,000!
War & Peace
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–