wait.
You Might Also Like
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Lol.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*