Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
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[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
それは草
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Lucky old June.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted