I ate everything, including the H.
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Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?