Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
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Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Autocorrect is my menesis
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven