I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
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Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
you gotta be faster
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
What’s the point buying it then?
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.