A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
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I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.