astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
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fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Meat Cute
men, we mow at sunrise.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
When someone trying to leave me
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.