I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
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I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
#winning
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.