Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
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Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?