Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
You Might Also Like
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
#NeverForget
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
LA today:
I only eat vegetarians.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
peep davidson
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
groan^2
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Florida be like…
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist