World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
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Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
That 👊
My blood type is coffee.
cyclists
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
you have three unread messages
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.