Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
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The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Pass gas, not judgment.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!