I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
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Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
dads on road-trips be like
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz