[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
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I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
This week’s mood.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it