For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
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Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.