Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
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This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Breaking news:
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Yoga Matt
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray