My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
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Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol