Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
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Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Brb my Sims are getting married
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”