Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
You Might Also Like
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Finally!
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.