I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
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Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Why is everyone getting married at me
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE