My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
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Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”