I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
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Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
same vibe as tangled headphones
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.