Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
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Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I have a black belt in leather
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*