My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
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I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Matt Goss
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.