“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
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[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.